I’m trying to write now, to ‘release’ the negativities that I’m feeling right now. Hoping that as the words flow, all my insecurities, self doubts and emotions that are twisting my heart will evaporate with each letter that I type. In my previous entry, I wrote about all my ‘loves’ and what I enjoy doing that truly makes me happy. As much a contradiction as it may be, these loves of mine can sometimes swing to the complete opposite end of the spectrum to become my worst nightmares. I start questioning hard work and effort versus natural talent and I have this sinking feeling that deep down, my natural born talent is minimal and I am truly trying hard to ‘force out’ of myself what is really not meant to be. As I watch and observe others pursuing the same fields, dancing and morphing naturally into the skins of their loves (be it singing, dancing, performing, drawing…etc), I feel like a cheap fake trying too hard to be a natural. I constantly feel inadequate as I try desperately to climb up the ladder of perfection. Will I ever reach to the top rung of the ladder where I can confidently ‘proclaim’ that ‘I am what I am’, and where people will say, ‘yes, you are who you are.’ ?

I guess I am just really tired right now having just stumbled on a rocky bit along the path of life….I am still struggling to find the perfect words… as I write to fill up the gash created having stumbled and to simply, make myself feel better….and…I guess…for myself to try and smile again.

An ‘anonymous’ left me this statment ‘someday you will find the fame that you want..’ in my previous post. It’s funny how anonymous’s statment was made seeming like he/she really knew me, when quite obviously he/she doesn’t. Anyways, it inspired me to think about what I really want.

I love to write music, to sing, perform, dance, draw, paint, play the piano…I love self-expression and creativity. When I’m immersed in doing something of such field, I become an insane perfectionist and drive myself till I achieve self-satisfaction. I have come to realise over the years, that I am only such, and can only be such when I have a genuine love and passion for something.

I have tried swaying off course to other completely non-related but more practical, $-making fields….only to find myself bored, completely restless and yes…just bored.

“Love your job and you’ll never have to work a day” – This is what I am looking for. To find something that I’ll be crazily passionate about, that will make me feel ‘alive’ every single waking moment. Maybe what I choose to do may bring fame along the way, I may hate it, I may love it….who knows?

I got a phonecall from mediacorp radio yesterday to go for a ‘voice-test’ audition tomorrow. 🙂 What a nice surprise!

~things are finally looking up after a long while..and there are more surprises in the bag! i’m getting butterflies just thinking about them. but! i’ll have to keep it all a little secret for now. 😀

I have never been a big fan of Korean movies or drama serials…but! I caught two just this week and have to say they were rather good!

200 Pounds Beauty..

This is a romantic comedy about an obesed girl who sings fantastically well and goes through plastic surgery for the guy she secretly carries a torch for… in hope that he will fall in love with her.

I love the song “Byul” in this movie!! Her voice made my hair stand. Hmm.. the lead male in the movies also bears a strong resemblence to the Japanese actor Takuya Kimura. I’m wondering if he brought his photo to the plastic surgeon’s. *heehee*

Cyborg…
I love this whimsical movie! The script was very believable considering it was set in a mental hospital. I love how the movie triggers my imagination with the colours, set and characters. Very out of the box…very creative. 🙂 It helped of course to have Rain play the male lead. 😀

I love it when I hear a new nice song…. it inspires me to write too. 😀