I’m trying to write now, to ‘release’ the negativities that I’m feeling right now. Hoping that as the words flow, all my insecurities, self doubts and emotions that are twisting my heart will evaporate with each letter that I type. In my previous entry, I wrote about all my ‘loves’ and what I enjoy doing that truly makes me happy. As much a contradiction as it may be, these loves of mine can sometimes swing to the complete opposite end of the spectrum to become my worst nightmares. I start questioning hard work and effort versus natural talent and I have this sinking feeling that deep down, my natural born talent is minimal and I am truly trying hard to ‘force out’ of myself what is really not meant to be. As I watch and observe others pursuing the same fields, dancing and morphing naturally into the skins of their loves (be it singing, dancing, performing, drawing…etc), I feel like a cheap fake trying too hard to be a natural. I constantly feel inadequate as I try desperately to climb up the ladder of perfection. Will I ever reach to the top rung of the ladder where I can confidently ‘proclaim’ that ‘I am what I am’, and where people will say, ‘yes, you are who you are.’ ?
I guess I am just really tired right now having just stumbled on a rocky bit along the path of life….I am still struggling to find the perfect words… as I write to fill up the gash created having stumbled and to simply, make myself feel better….and…I guess…for myself to try and smile again.