Kai is now a big boy, but still believes he’s a small little pup – from the way he plonks, steps and jumps on me *ouch*… yes, I think he secretly thinks he’s a small little toy dog. Ha, but his adoring sweet face melts my heart and the scratches and bruises from him are worth it. 🙂
After a month-long debate, my company has finally let me go. 🙂 I am now free of the ‘money-broker’ identity… set free to go pursuit my happiness.
…and what better way to celebrate than to ‘toast’ myself with a new Balenciaga Twiggy! – in gorgeous olive brown. 😀
I’m trying to write now, to ‘release’ the negativities that I’m feeling right now. Hoping that as the words flow, all my insecurities, self doubts and emotions that are twisting my heart will evaporate with each letter that I type. In my previous entry, I wrote about all my ‘loves’ and what I enjoy doing that truly makes me happy. As much a contradiction as it may be, these loves of mine can sometimes swing to the complete opposite end of the spectrum to become my worst nightmares. I start questioning hard work and effort versus natural talent and I have this sinking feeling that deep down, my natural born talent is minimal and I am truly trying hard to ‘force out’ of myself what is really not meant to be. As I watch and observe others pursuing the same fields, dancing and morphing naturally into the skins of their loves (be it singing, dancing, performing, drawing…etc), I feel like a cheap fake trying too hard to be a natural. I constantly feel inadequate as I try desperately to climb up the ladder of perfection. Will I ever reach to the top rung of the ladder where I can confidently ‘proclaim’ that ‘I am what I am’, and where people will say, ‘yes, you are who you are.’ ?
I guess I am just really tired right now having just stumbled on a rocky bit along the path of life….I am still struggling to find the perfect words… as I write to fill up the gash created having stumbled and to simply, make myself feel better….and…I guess…for myself to try and smile again.
An ‘anonymous’ left me this statment ‘someday you will find the fame that you want..’ in my previous post. It’s funny how anonymous’s statment was made seeming like he/she really knew me, when quite obviously he/she doesn’t. Anyways, it inspired me to think about what I really want.
I love to write music, to sing, perform, dance, draw, paint, play the piano…I love self-expression and creativity. When I’m immersed in doing something of such field, I become an insane perfectionist and drive myself till I achieve self-satisfaction. I have come to realise over the years, that I am only such, and can only be such when I have a genuine love and passion for something.
I have tried swaying off course to other completely non-related but more practical, $-making fields….only to find myself bored, completely restless and yes…just bored.
“Love your job and you’ll never have to work a day” – This is what I am looking for. To find something that I’ll be crazily passionate about, that will make me feel ‘alive’ every single waking moment. Maybe what I choose to do may bring fame along the way, I may hate it, I may love it….who knows?
I got a phonecall from mediacorp radio yesterday to go for a ‘voice-test’ audition tomorrow. 🙂 What a nice surprise!
~things are finally looking up after a long while..and there are more surprises in the bag! i’m getting butterflies just thinking about them. but! i’ll have to keep it all a little secret for now. 😀
xoxojeneen.com 