I have been quiet for a long while in here. I have so many things to say, yet don’t quite know how to say them and can’t decide entirely if I want to say them. This is turning out to be a very difficult entry…yet I feel it’s only right to have a closing entry to Star Search…and to have a closure for myself.
I held out for a long while when results were announced. I was prepared to be dropped out from the finals, but not entirely. I guess you can never prepare enough for a moment like that. I’m glad I remembered the ‘thank you’ speech I prepared earlier in my head and thanked almost everyone I wanted to thank in gist. And I’m very glad I kept on smiling. It felt almost surreal…detached… like I was watching my empty smiling self exiting the stage in what I hope was a graceful manner. I kept on that strong shiny armour facade willing myself to be numb and not feel and think with my eyes only brimming up when I spoke to the Elaine the producer of the show. She wanted me to let it out and cry…but I would never have allowed myself to do that..not infront of everyone. The interviews aftermath went by in a blur and the hugs and encouraging words from everyone else again felt surreal – like I know they were talking to me, and the words they were saying were for me, but my mind was a blank and I felt like I was in a silent movie…only willing myself to say ‘thank you’ and…keep smiling. Very mechanical.
I had a nice send-off to the reception from the team and Andie. It felt very weird. Almost like a send-off to another country… from the ‘Star Search World’ back to ‘Reality’ in this case I guess. I can’t remember what was said…another silent movie in my head. I only knew…I can’t wait to get into mum’s car and lose the exterior armour I was trying so hard to upkeep. Stepping into mum’s car…I let the floodgates open…quite like a baby really. I can’t even really remember when was the last time I cried. My tears dried up quite quickly though – not unusual for me …me who is never really one to wallow in self pity. And what was left was just a dull aching thud heavy in my heart. The feeling of disappointment – to myself and to everyone else who believed in me. Self-reproach followed suit…I questioned myself hard and long on what I didn’t do enough and what else I could have done. It was yet another case of unfinished business.
It’s been a week… and it has gotten better. I’ve stopped blaming myself and I’m looking to moving on. And yet again embracing the idea of ‘what’s meant to be, will be.’ Self-comforting maybe. Many of you may not understand why I’m making this out to be such a big deal…but for those who know me and know the journey that I’ve taken to come this far here since 6 years ago…yeah you all would know.
And now….for my proper ‘Thank yous’:-
:My lovely family…Dad, Mum, Sis for the strong support and encouragement you all have given me throughout these many months, for putting up with my silly tantrums when I was stressed and nervous, for telling me I was the best when I didn’t believe in myself, for all that cheering, screaming, really really lovely banners during the shows and for the lovely pink surprise at the semis, sis for being my best PR campaign manager….and most importantly, for letting me know that whatever the results, and whatever happened, I would have all of you to come home to…who will still see me for me and love me for me. I love you all.
:The Production Team…Peiqin, Elaine, Jiayi, Qingqi, Meiqing, Ann, Yvonne, Jayine, Fuji…You guys worked your arses off for this Star Search baby. You guys are amazing and I really enjoyed working with all of you. I only hope I had played a small part in making it a success. I hope we’ll be able to work together again someday.
:The Publicity People…Lydia, Minshi, Siew Hoon and everyone else…Thank you for all the lovely photos, shoots, exposure and putting up with my ‘ang moh’ mandarin and many NG takes. ha.
:The Teachers…Hanwei – Thank you for your patience in working with me through the script and for teaching me the rules of the Star Search game. Jalyn – Your teachings, guidance and wise words made me grew immensely as a performer. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Qisheng – Thank you for the lovely piano piece in the first round, and for remininding me to ‘feel’ the music. Ivan – Thank you for the late night wushu flag trainings and for helping me grasp the fundamentals of that ‘darn’ flag. haha. 🙂 Zaky and Douglas – Thank you for the patience in turning ‘nothingness’ to ‘something’. Eugene – Thank you so much for all the pointers on the script, acting methods and encouragements.
:The Beauty People: Annie, Terence, Meizhen jie, Dianne – Thank you for all the creativity, inguenity and hard work for dressing me up into characters and in the hopes of looking a bit like a ‘star’. Dennis, Huihui, Sonya – All those magical touches to my simple face…to bring out the prettiest of me….thank you. Florence, Evan, Louise – For putting up with my thick, difficult to style hair…I give you all props!
:The Believers: Qingqi – for remembering and never giving up on me after so long. You tried to give me another avenue. Sorry to disappoint! David Gan – You gave me a start and a hope many years back…I’m still trying to walk down the road you envisoned for me many years ago. Dr Georgia – You never stopped believing in me too…I can’t say thank you enough. Thank you for making me beautiful and for the f.o.c IPL sessions. Again, I’m sorry to disappoint! 😦
:The Luvs: Joseph, Elaine, Derek, Glenda, Jasmine, Brenda, Cecilia, Angelia, Lily, Sandy, Joelle, Alvin, Joanne, Benny, Ezan, Dexter, Emma, Shuzhen, Cindy, Avril, Raj, Kelvin, Peter A, Sandy L, Cheryl, Jeff, Ronnie, Joleen, Jack, Angie, Chee Kiat, Dave, Ben, Grace, Ene’s Joseph, Jack L., Fionna, Lebon, Mel, Kenny, Yuqi and loads loads others- You guys have been amazingly sweet and encouraging. Thank you for making all the way to come and watch and thank you for all the lovely messages and calls. You all definitely made this journey beautiful for me. 🙂
:The Other 19 – Priscilla, Yahui, Yingning, Celia, Kola, Angel, Iren, Tracy, Meiling, Andie, Desmond, Marcus, Weilie, Jackson, Kelun, Haoyi, Haoying, Raynard, Reeve – This journey would not have been almost complete without all of you. Thank you all for all the laughter and tears. I’ve had an incredible time and I wish you all the very very best in this journey through life. Keep dreaming… You are all dazzling stars in your own right!